Still drinking after all these years

I know that I am in the late stages of chronic alcoholism and still practice using alcohol. I know what I have done to my family and I know what I have done to myself. This illness is more powerful than I am.

I really want to stop this vicious cycle, I am only 42 years old and have been practicing for 29 years.

That is insane, I know. I thought that I had hit rock bottom many times in the past, but here I am today, still practicing.

I have been in treatment 13 times, most recently discharged only June 11, 1999 and I was historically intoxicated 5 days later and the cycle didn’t see a chance for change.

I have been to many AA meeting and I know that is the only way I will get sober and stay sober, but I still use in spite of all the education I have had. I do not like to admit this, I feel badly, but I really don’t know how much more I can take until I too commit suicide to stop this vicious cycle of my alcoholism.

I have a 4 year old child and a spouse of almost 19 years and I have vowed to get clean for them and to myself.

My intentions were good but always failed. I am at a loss with this illness. I do not know where I can go anymore.

Everyone wants to lock me up in a warehouse, “Out of sight, out of mind, ” but that does not treat my addiction.

Many times I have been “put away for safety reasons” but the anger presides when I am released and I feel obsessed and begin the cycle myself, kinda like saying to the ones who made my decisions, “screw you”.

My anger turns to uncontrollable rage and I act on impulse to naturally use more alcohol. Of course, this makes matters all the more difficult.

I am not a bad person when I do not use. I had some sobriety in my 29 years and I liked me better then.

But I really can’t stop. I really can’t. I guess the question is what am I missing?

I have had a spiritual awakening and did do the 12 steps, but that was lost many years ago and I have not felt that additional sixth sense since.

I have not killed anyone yet and I don’t want to do that. I know that I am killing my family and me though and I didn’t want that either. I know that the end result is always going to be the same for me too.

That has never changed for me. I always let my alcoholism get the best of me and to hell with any intellectuals. I know that these kinds of stories aren’t the ones you want to hear, but this is mine yet.

I would like this to stop and I can’t. It’s not that I won’t stop it, it really is that I can’t stop it, although I have had the tools handed to me on a silver platter.

In essence, I am standing at the turning point, half measures avail me nothing.

I am at a loss and still sick. Sometimes, in order to win a war, you have to let the other guy die for his country, but not in this case.
This is insanity.

Regards to faithful Big Books and Al Anon’s.